POST MENGARUT AMBANG 2025

29/12 @ 4 AM in the morning right now cannot sleeeeeeeeeepp.

Wow dah lama tak update blog ni. Dunno how people boleh manage banyak socmed. Aku tengok socmed kejap-kejap je. Yang lama kalau shopping online 😅. And baca berita. 

Panjang tahun 2024 ni. Tahun for moving on from Eric. Everything is painful and hurtful. And I complain alot. I cry alot. I dun feel lost like the last time cuma hati tu rasa unsetting, unsettle, tak tenang. 

I figure that my heart is as stubborn as myself. My brain keep on calculating the reasoning, try to persuade, try to make me feel calm and safe and saying it's ok, it's alright tapi hati aku penuh dengan rage, dendam, amarah. Maybe because its wounded deeply. And somehow akhirnya my brain surrender to the reality. 

Bila aku baring atas katil aku rasa macam tengah sinking dalam air kolam yang jernih yang kita boleh nampak langit dari dalam tu. Tapi kolam tu dalam and I already reach at bottom. I'm sinking and just lying down. Unable to float. And even if I can, I can't find any reason to swim towards the surface.

That's how I see 2025.

Of course, I'm fine at work. I'm that professional. Walaupun ada masa I emotional jugak. I'm human kan. I reach the limit already. My emotional state right now is not healthy at all. And planning to resign next year cuma tak jumpa lagi kerja yang boleh match gaji sekarang. Not just next year but I'm actually planning to resign everyday😂. Walaupun ada rasa macam tu, still I need to deliver my best kan?

The best way to move on is to leave. Another best way is meeting that "right person". Tapi bayang pun takde lagi jadi kita pilih option yang kita boleh kawal. 

My dream right now is to become a wife and a mother. This dream is so easy for everyone else to get but it's hard for me. Well, I know semua orang ada ujian dan struggle masing-masing but you know what I mean. And also my dream of meeting a husband who is not only kind, handsome, rich (is subjective really. But yeah it's a bonus 👀), loyal and responsible but also can calm my emotion which is like a monster.

Some people blame me sebab tak sibuk mencari jodoh. I mean, kenapa aku kena cari? I would prefer we met by destiny. Macam normal punya meet like orang lain terjumpa kat sekolah ke kat tempat kerja ke or masa holiday ke. Cakap senang lah kan. ☹️ sobsss.

You know, somehow I think I've met the right persons at many wrong times. And right now is the right time but I meet wrong person. 

Another thing that I can control is to lose my weight. I'm so fat right now. Sebab stress. Sebab giving up. So I eat alot dun want to care what other people think anymore. The result is I look so ugly and not appealing 😒. And susah nak solat or do normal routine. So kena jugak turunkan berat badan supaya sihat dan tak menyesal di hari tua. Insya Allah. 

So takde azam untuk 2025. Tak excited pun. Tak anticipate anything pun. Dia macam gloomy rasa. But what can I do. Another chapter of life yang aku kena hadap. Di sebalik rasa depression dan sorrow ni, aku akan try kutip mana-mana cebis-cebis kegembiraan yang singgah. 

If I'm allowed to have hope for 2025, I hope for my happiness and happiness for my family too. Happiness at dunya and happiness at akhirat~

And pliss Yuhanes belajarlah banyak bersyukur. There are always more things to feel gratitude dan bersangka baik dengan Allah ok?

Nota kaki : Do you know apa yang buat aku marah dan menyampah gila kat Eric is, bila aku tanya dia cuti kahwin or not masa tu he just smile. When I ask the second time on WA he said dia cuti beranak. And when I ask him if cincin dia pakai tu cincin kahwin or not he just said "It's cincin". But when Azizah said to him assume he is married dia boleh pulak mengaku dia tak kahwin lagi. Aku punya marah masa tu tak boleh nak tunjuk pun dengan siapa-siapa last-last end up menangis je kerja. Penat! Anyway, whether he is married or not married, life goes on. I still need to move on and move forward. Fikir pasal dia is pointless. Tepuk sebelah tangan takkan berbunyi. I taknak jadi pungguk yang rindukan bulan. I wanna settle down with marriage and kids also 😭. 

To you Eric, just do what you do best. A manager. 

START OVER

It's been a while. I thought I will stop writing this blog. After that very heartbroken moment. And I'm still not over that phase yet. It's just been a few months. I'm still not okay. There is still resentment and hate and negativity. I'm just living and breathing. 

You know, no matter what happens to you, time pass. It doesn't wait. It doesn't stop. You will still grow older and older everyday. The only thing that I can do is just I will keep walking and see, where will this lead. 

It's not easy. I pay a huge price for that mistake. I pay with my youth. The youth that I will never get back. And I will make sure to claim the compensation on that. How? Dunno.

I un post all the past posts on this blog. Because I think I wanna start fresh. The baggage is getting heavier so I need to lose some stuffs. It's not that it's not important. The memories, they were still part of me. I am now is because who I was yesterday. But I tend to just let them be histories. Histories that only I will remember and reminisce. 

Maybe I will repost back anything that is deem worthy or related but at the time being, I will just focus on the current moment.

I just finish watching kdrama Bo-ra Deborah. The story is about a writer who becomes a love coach but one day facing a heartbroken phase. I like the storyline. Maybe for some people it's boring. But, I'm a writer myself. Somehow, that's how I monolog about my world. I can relate. 

Then I realize, I can't stop writing. Because writing is part of myself. This part of me that I couldn't afford to lose. I will write. And record. And reminisce. For me to remember a lifetime. So that's why I come back. 

I will discover myself again. Doesn't matter how long it will took. I will just focus on myself only. And I think that's enough for the reintroduction tonight.